What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 12:00
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
How do women feel when they are in love?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So whats the point in blame.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was seconnd youngest,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
This is soul school!.
Why, after a divorce, would one still want to ruin the other one’s life?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I think the readers, may guess!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was 9 years of age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She found it foreign!.
I was scared of men, in general
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I write beautiful poetry .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Did you become a cuckold for your wife?
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
What are your best funny dating stories?
I was very sick at this time too.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We were not on the streets..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I don,t even have a pension.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I will be 64.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She wouldn,t have been !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He knew the spot.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I waited trembling.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im still living with it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I have no regrets .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Comes on , in middle age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
What did i know ?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Put me off passion for life!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Would this be the day?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I said to her
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
When she asked me how she looked .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She married twice! .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
(And it was in our own minds.)
All the time i was locked up.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One cannot live in the past .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was in good health!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It was going to be , some day.
My life is so biszare .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But it wasn’t much.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But, we were locked up after school.
My family never makes their pension either.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ive learnt so much.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So, i spoilt her more .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She loved him until the end.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He resisted the act ,that day.
We all went to grammer schools
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Who then, do I blame.?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And i lived it daily.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.